Archive for the ‘Ossie Moore Jokes’ Category

Anything I Will Grant

Posted: April 28, 2010 in Ossie Moore Jokes

Maybe it is not fair to make all these jokes into Ossie Moore jokes but I would have to consult the writers. It seems that Ossie was used in the old days to be the character of all jokes. In that way they were able to personify and make them more acceptable. I know that this could not have been our Ossie Moore out of St. Peter

Anything I Will Grant

A long time ago from a distant land

Navigating the seas was deadly for man

You would have never liked it back then

Traveling across the seas was feared by all men

He was given one wish so Ossie thought if he

Invited the hand of the wizard to solve this difficulty

No troubles would he have if the wizard could make

Great pathways across the seas to ambulate

Island to island or drive a car 

With this bridge connecting them no one would be too far

It is a difficult wish the wizard said with all its specs

Like tidal changes, sea spray and the hurricanes the island gets

Look the wizard said there  must be something  else I can do

Got no need for riches or power? I can give these all to you

Remembering the problems he had understanding women

And never being able to satisfy them or make any a friend

Now yes! Ossie said anxiously, teach me the mystery of a woman’s mind

Tell me again young chap, a bridge, where and what kind?

Advertisements

Night Of Crime

Posted: April 28, 2010 in Ossie Moore Jokes

The setting here is Ossie Moore showing up in a place where was going to rob it. I think some where along the line he might have had second thoughts when he heard that Jesus was watching him. The thing is that this truth is not acknowledged by other thieves, if they would hear then they too might change their minds.

Night Of Crime

Now the targeted house was dark and he could barely see

It was a terrifying voice ghastly, squeaky  

Got the greatest startle with what he heard

He still remembers hearing every word

The voice had said “Jesus is watching you!”

One double check over his shoulder and then he knew

Flightless parrot repeated and Ossie cried how do you dare!

Call to me like that, have you no fear?

Risking your life you little winged creature, who are you

I am Moses, the parrot said and Ossie’s laughed at that too

Moses! Who wah name a parrot? Moses interrupted “it gets wus”

Eff I was you I would asked who named dah Rottweiler Jesus!

In We Driveway

Posted: April 23, 2010 in Ossie Moore Jokes

This may not have originally been an Ossie Moore joke but is sure seemed like one. I decide to changed the name and make it into one. When I was coming up it seemed like there were endless Ossie Moore jokes but now, the well is dry.

In We Driveway

It was the eve of the anniversary and still not a sign

None of the gifts she had wanted, nothing she could find


When she saw nightfall and still nothing yet

Expletives fired from her mouth and things she’d expect


Don’t leh me wake up in the morning and I don’t see

Right In We Driveway waiting pon me

I had bettah see something that can go

Very fast from 2 to 200 before yah know

Early the next morning in the driveway

Was a box, gift wrapped and before “Jack Robin” I say

A desperate woman opened her gift and quickly turned pale

You wun find Ossie there nah more not since he geh she dah bathroom scale

 

The Bus Ride

Posted: April 23, 2010 in Ossie Moore Jokes

The shaking and the facing the rare of the bus was disorienting for me too. And when I look around me, every one seem to have the same attitude about sitting in that seat. Ossie Moore was always last in the bus and took the seat for his ride home every day. Today was no different , except.. well the story says….

The Bus Ride

The trip home by bus had Ossie feeling sick

His wife told him go lie down she’ll get some hot chocolate quick

Every time he got home he always felt unwell

Bus rides facing the back of the bus was like a trip in hell

Unsure why this would happen his wife thought

Surely he could have asked for a seat so why did he not

Reasoning to ask Ossie she jumped to her feet

Into the bedroom she stormed, why you didn’t ask someone fah duh seat

Dear, I thought I told you, that was an impossible task

Every seat was empty; I didn’t had nahbody tah ask!

Cut And Dry Guy

Posted: March 1, 2010 in Ossie Moore Jokes

Ossie Moore is a man of few talents and carpentry wasn’t one. When I heard that Ossie worked as a carpenter on the corner house that was being built in the neighborhood, indeed I was surprised. But of course as the story continued, more became familiar

Normal
0
<wunctuationKerning/>

false
false
false

<wontGrowAutofit/>

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
table.MsoTableGrid
{mso-style-name:”Table Grid”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;
mso-border-alt:solid windowtext .5pt;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-border-insideh:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-border-insidev:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

 

Cut And Dry Guy

 

Carpentry was not his first calling nor was it his last

Unable to find a forte he changed vocations fast

There was an opening when some carpentry work came in

 

And so Ossie showed up with his tool belt, ready to
start working

Now the foreman saw Ossie looking and able bodied man

Didn’t question Ossie’s abilities and Ossie began

 

Doing everything they gave him like an expert

Raised the power saw and when it dropped below shout
“Any body hurt?”

You got to be more careful the foreman said there was
blood everywhere

 

Got to get a bag with some ice to put in yah ear

Unable to under, Ossie replied, foreman you must admit

Yah wrong! Dah ‘aint my ear, my ear had a pencil behind
it!

 

 

She Fainted At Home

Posted: March 1, 2010 in Ossie Moore Jokes

Ossie Moore got married? That was the first reaction I had and those I told this joke about Ossie had too. The last listener asked who would marry Ossie Moore. The lady that was described in this joke was a very devoted wife. So like they say “Evah piece uh cloth got its owner”

 

 

Normal
0
<wunctuationKerning/>

false
false
false

<wontGrowAutofit/>

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
table.MsoTableGrid
{mso-style-name:”Table Grid”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;
mso-border-alt:solid windowtext .5pt;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-border-insideh:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-border-insidev:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

 

She Fainted At Home

 

So much work she would find to do

Had the usual cleaning by day and by night she cleaned
too

Even though they had been married now for over a
year 

 

Flooring needed work, side boards replaced, much was in
disrepair

And Ossie was lucky to have her as wife

It was a shock to the neighbors that they had no strife

No quarrels, no fuss, she worked and cooked faithfully

The house though old and dropping down was kept
immaculately

Early one morning before work could start

Darling faithful wife dropped unconsciously while
clenching her heart

 

And Ossie called 911, “Muh wife faint! Wunnah cuh send ah
ambulance hey?”

The man asked a few questions, then asked Ossie “Wha is
the address dey?”

 

He said, “Send the ambulance to 1st Ave.
Rendezvous Terrace!”

Ok the man replied, “But spell Rendezvous and the EMFs
wuh be at your place!”

Man
R… rrrr.. oooooo..nnnnnnn..” then he heard Ossie say

Eff
I drag she down to the Pine and call. Wunnah cuh cum down dey?”

 

 

The Enemy Camp

Posted: March 1, 2010 in Ossie Moore Jokes

To keep Ossie Moore jokes clean can sometimes be a bit tough. I hope you enjoy the essence of this joke and that it still brings the kind of laughter I got when I heard it. In fact, I am still laughing. The direction of this joke surprised me

Normal
0
<wunctuationKerning/>

false
false
false

<wontGrowAutofit/>

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
table.MsoTableGrid
{mso-style-name:”Table Grid”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;
mso-border-alt:solid windowtext .5pt;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-border-insideh:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-border-insidev:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

 

The Enemy Camp

 

Two of Ossie’s soldier comrades were caught with him

His not so close partner Paul and close friend Jim

Enemy captors spoke the foreign language of the
Vietnamese

 

English was not their tongue so it surprised Ossie to
hear “Please!”

Now we will test your bravery and if you should cry

Escape will be hopeless and in our jails you will die

Make a selection of your favorite fruit and stay in the
room next door

You, Jim? Take your pants down, put the apple were we
see it no more

 

Cries came and off to jail Jim was taken then they
called Ossie

A grape? Still Ossie was taken to jail he laugh and
cried uncontrollably

Man you cuddah get away, a lil grape! and you couldn’t
grapple? 

Paul mek me laugh, you shuddah see he, he tek up a
pineapple

 

 

The Dead Duck Cost A Buck

Posted: February 18, 2010 in Ossie Moore Jokes

This Ossie Moore joke was only told to me late in life. Most Ossie Moore jokes are passed from house to house, kid to kid and then they stop when you get into your mid-teens. In fact, I don’t think we had any Ossie Moore jokes to share when I was in my early twenties. I just heard this one.

Normal
0
<wunctuationKerning/>

false
false
false

<wontGrowAutofit/>

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
table.MsoTableGrid
{mso-style-name:”Table Grid”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;
mso-border-alt:solid windowtext .5pt;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-border-insideh:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-border-insidev:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

 

The Dead Duck Cost A Buck

 

The local Veterinarian gave Ossie a job

He wasn’t background checked, he was the Vet’s niece’s
heartthrob

Every day Ossie worked and not without some mêlée

 

Domestic pet owners threaten to beat Ossie one day

Early on mornings he report to the Vet

And sorted medicines for each client’s pet  

Dogs were walked but were never bathed clean

 

Didn’t like them shaking on him, didn’t want it his
routine

Usurped himself when the Vet was gone

Coat he eyed and when certain put on

Kept an eye on the office and would often pretend

 

Capable of examining the animals when

Only he was there so that day when he

Stayed behind in the clinic late there was opportunity

This lady came in an asked Ossie what’s wrong with her
duck

 

And Ossie said the duck is dead, must have been hit by a
truck

 

But she wasn’t satisfied so Ossie went for a brown
Labrador

Used it to sniff and later a cat and they said the duck
dead fah sure

Can’t be real, she said when she saw her bill, this is
robbery man!

Kind lady, “$20 fah me and $130 fah de Lab report and de
Cat Scan

 

 

 

 

The Proposition

Posted: December 2, 2009 in Ossie Moore Jokes

This Ossie Moore joke walks the thin line of inappropriate but as usual I sought the wiser scrutiny of my censors who told me they will pass it. Of course, I didn’t tell it like I heard it but I retained the message in the joke. Most of Ossie Moore’s jokes seem to be very short and require lots of padding. I hope I didn’t take away from the punch.

 

The Proposition

 

The night was going great

He had taken out his sweetheart on a date

Everything was going according to plan

People had been telling Ossie to be a man

Right after dinner it was already dark

Ossie offered to walk her home through the park

Politely she asked him, “You wannah come in?”

Ossie blushed, nodded fast and gasped like he was out of win’

She got up from the sofa later and went in her bedroom

In a flash had on skimpy lingerie and expensive perfume

Then called Ossie who slowly went and saw her outstretched on the bed

I want yah tek wah evah yah want Ossie , she said

Ossie dash fah the scissors and hope it would work

Nip and cut ‘way the elastic and said, good, I did wan’uh mek a gutterperk

 

 

The Sciences In The Jars

Posted: November 28, 2009 in Ossie Moore Jokes

Ossie Moore jokes have taken us into the classroom regularly and every one still brings a smile to our faces when we learn of Ossie’s blundering innocents. I wasn’t sure if this one was good for a general audience but my mother acted as censor and approved it. I welcome your comments and invite you to enjoy another of these Bajan jokes.

Normal
0
<wunctuationKerning/>

false
false
false

<wontGrowAutofit/>

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
table.MsoTableGrid
{mso-style-name:”Table Grid”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;
mso-border-alt:solid windowtext .5pt;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-border-insideh:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-border-insidev:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

 

The Sciences In The Jars

 

Teacher had a special experiment that day

He brought four jars and held four worms at bay

Experiments were customary but none were like this

Science was suddenly taking a pleasing twist

Come young scientists, he said, observe with me

I have placed mud in jar 4 and in jars 1 to 3

Ethanol in the first, smoke in the second and sperm in
the third

Now you can all repeat for me what you have just heard

Class in unison were able to say

Everyone was paying attention that day

So the teacher said here is what I will do

I’ll place a worm in each of the 3 and in the 4th
jar too

Now I will cover them and overnight they will stay

Then we‘ll see what happens when we return in one day

He left them there and the class was dismissed

Everyone returned and observed and here is the gist

Jars 1 to 3 the worms died but not in jar 4

And the teacher looked around the class and stopped at
Ossie Moore

Right Ossie what do you deduce, speak in your own terms

Sir “As long as ya drink, smoke, and have sex, ya
won’t have nuh worms!”